NOTHING FEELS THE SAME ANYMORE – (Memoir series – Story 16)

Everywhere I go, leads me to wherever I don’t want to go.

Looking out the window is so nice. It’s like a magical world right before my eyes!

The last time I went on a train was when we left Calcutta for good and travelled to Ernakulam. It was such a memorable journey.

Daddy says we’re almost at Katpadi station. From there, we’ll go by road to the hospital in Vellore.

I’m feeling excited and nervous. I can’t help but wonder how Mummy is doing. Is she feeling better? What will she ask me when I see her? How long can I stay with her? There’s so much I want to tell her about my school and all the things happening around me.

As the taxi stops, I want to rush straight to Mummy, but Daddy insists we put our bags in our room first. We can’t stay in Mummy’s room at the hospital. Instead, we have to stay in a nearby building.

We drop off our bags in our room and hurry to see Mummy.

Walking down the corridor, my heart beats faster and faster. I’m longing for Mummy’s smile and a warm hug.

At the entrance to the room, a nurse asks us to wait outside. I feel a bit impatient. Daddy tells me that Mummy needs some time to freshen up every day. It’s part of her routine.

Finally, the door opens! Now we can go inside. Mummy is sitting up against a soft pillow. I approach her slowly, surprising myself with my slowness. Deep down, I want to run into her arms, but there’s something inside my head urging me to take it slow.

I reach out and gently hold Mummy’s hand.

It feels delicate yet strong, like a lifeline connecting us in a world that feels unfamiliar and uncertain.

Mummy introduces me to the nurses as they leave the room. They smile at me with such kindness in their eyes. There’s this incredible feeling of love and affection in the air.

But Mummy can’t leave her bed. She has to stay there and she grows tired very fast.

This isn’t the Mummy I know, full of energy and drive.

I want to share so much with her, but I don’t know where to begin.

There’s so much to catch up. We haven’t seen each other for such a long time.

I have all these questions swirling in my mind. I don’t have any answers. Yet her loving smile is a balm to my anxious heart, assuring me that despite our separation, we are in this together.

Soon, it’s time for Mummy to eat, and Daddy suggests we go to the canteen while she has her food in the room.

Food! Yes, that’s interesting at any time.

Just that I hadn’t realised while spending time with Mummy that I was getting so hungry.

I walk beside Daddy to the canteen, and the entrance looks different from regular restaurants.

Instead of steps, there’s a sloping floor that leads up toward the entrance. And around it, there are steel railings.

The canteen is very neat. The steel furniture and the food counter are gleaming clean. And the food is very tasty especially when compared to the food I get in the boarding school mess.

So now when I am not spending time with Mummy, there’s only one place I want to be – the canteen.

Almost always the canteen is empty. That is, except for this boy I see there all the time.

He looks like he’s my age. The thing is, he is always doing acrobatics on the steel railings. After a long wait, I approach him when he pauses his twists and turns.

Although we talk in English, his words are different, and longer. And he speaks in a funny tune.

Even so, we become friends. Just that he is constantly swinging and dangling from the steel railings.

He is not from India. Just like me, his mother too is here for treatment.

Occasionally, his Father and elder sister come to the canteen and talk to him, but he’s always too busy with his acrobatic circus.

I secretly try to imitate his acrobatics, but I soon realize it’s not easy. He’s amazing! How does he do it?

Every day, I spend more time with my friend in the canteen than with Mummy. She rests most of the time, and there are always nurses and doctors in her room when she’s awake.

But every day, I get to sit beside Mummy and talk to her. She tells me that Daddy is arranging for me to go back to my old school in Ernakulam.

Wow! I always knew I could convince Mummy about leaving boarding school.

“So, when are you coming home?” I ask her eagerly. 

Mummy says she’ll come home soon, but for now, she has to stay in the hospital. So, I’ll be staying with a family friend in Ernakulam.

Now I’m confused. Should I be happy? Going back to my old school is wonderful, but the main reason I want to return is to be with Mummy. Otherwise, what’s the point?

Unanswered questions and thoughts swirl in my mind, but at least I have something good to share with my friend tomorrow at the canteen.

Although I can’t physically perform his acrobatics, my thoughts and emotions dangle and twist more vigorously than he ever could.