MY HEART WILL GO ON – (Memoir series – Story 20)

Didn’t get to say goodbye

I’m so happy.

Our house is full of guests. Uncles, aunts, cousins, and friends who I don’t often get to meet.

I enjoy the attention and love. And I feel special.

Everyone is talking and catching up in the drawing room.

Even though my room is small, I squeeze in with my cousins and friends. And we huddle together chatting.

Suddenly there’s a hush.

I look into the drawing room and see our priest. I quietly go up to him and stand beside his chair. He asks how I’m doing, and I answer feeling a little nervous.

Just then, my elder cousin Babuchayan arrives from Kottayam. I take him to see Mummy. 

As we enter Mummy’s room, we see that Mummy is having trouble with something in her mouth.

Usually, Uncle Kochunny is always around to supervise things. When Uncle is around, everything goes smoothly. But right now he is in the drawing room talking to the priest.

I look for the lady who helps Mummy. But before she can come, Babuchayan helps Mummy. He cleans something that comes out of her mouth without hesitation and goes to wash his hands.

I can’t believe what I’m seeing. The last time Babuchayan and Mummy met was long back in Kottayam. She had scolded him along with his brothers for having too many eggs for breakfast, and for dumping heaps of sugar into their tumblers of coffee. But now, he’s helping her so gently.

Babuchayan returns from the bathroom. And I can see that he is glad for the opportunity to help Mummy.

In a moment, the priest comes in, and we all assemble to pray.

While we pray, Mummy opens her eyes a little. She’s been tired and sleeping a lot lately. But now her eyes are focussed on the priest. She is always serious about prayers.

After the prayer, Daddy wets Mummy’s lips with a cloth dipped in a small bowl of water. He then hands it over to me. I wonder why. Mummy doesn’t seem to be drinking the water. But then I simply obey. 

After the prayer, we return to the drawing room. And soon, the priest and a few people leave.

So it’s time for us cousins and friends to come back to my room to chat. We don’t often have the opportunity to see each other, so it’s a special occasion.

By late evening everyone leaves. And I am back to being alone.

The next day too we have a few relatives and guests visiting Mummy. But I’m feeling dull because there are no kids around.

I have not been going to School for the past couple of days. And I am missing my friends.

The next day, I sit reading a book. But I’m feeling disappointed. It’s already the 4^th day of December. And I can see that many of the neighbouring houses have been decorated much ahead of Christmas.

I have asked Daddy and Uncle Kochunny whether we too can have a star hung at the entrance of the house. But they’re always busy.

And then suddenly, a bell rings. It’s the bell that’s kept beside Mummy’s bed. And it is ringing continuously.

I’ve always liked that bell, even though I got in trouble for playing with it before. I know Mummy uses it to ask for help.

We all go to Mummy’s room to find out what’s happening. I see that it’s Uncle Kochunny ringing the bell, not Mummy. And I’m confused.

Mummy’s eyes are wide open. And her eyeballs are rolling upward.

Her mouth is open and her chin is held up. She is gasping for breath.

Daddy’s grip on my hand is so tight. I want to tell Daddy that he’s hurting me. But I am not able to take my eyes off Mummy’s face.

In all the confusion, I see that Mummy has stopped struggling. Her eyes are still wide open. And now her entire eyes are white. The eyeballs have disappeared. My uncle covers her eyes and gently closes them.

Mummy’s gone.

I hear voices of grief all around me. But I stand frozen, the shrill ring of the bell still in my ears. 

Why didn’t anyone tell me that these were Mummy’s final moments? Why didn’t I get to hug her and tell her I love her?