DONT ROCK MY BOAT- (Memoir series – Story 22)

Sailing at the mercy of the winds of change

Daddy is going to get married again?

I stare silently at Aunty’s face.

She gives me a consoling hug. And explains that Daddy is still young and wants to get married again. His new wife will be my new Mummy.

Aunty seats me closer to her. 

I can see that she is trying to deliver this news as gently as possible. Aunty speaks slowly and softly, giving me enough time to understand the situation and its impact.  

Her words make sense. But it’s hard to accept. 

I can see from her sympathetic eyes that it’s not easy for her to be the one who has to convey this news to me.

She has seen how our lives had turned upside down during Mummy’s sickness and death.  

And every member of the family is doing what they can to support us in this period of drastic change.

Granny is doing her best to keep things as normal as possible. She even became willing to stay with us in Ernakulam to take care of me.

And we visit Kottayam every weekend. So, it’s the best of both worlds, for me.

Now, just as things are starting to look better, this news is unsettling.

Why is it that Daddy wants to ruin the comfort of our lives when we are finally able to live peacefully?

Aunty wipes the tears rolling down my cheeks. And her loving hug is a big relief. But I simply am unable to keep myself from sobbing helplessly. 

Daddy and his brothers are in the next room talking about something serious. And I don’t want them to hear my sobs.

I lean on Aunty’s shoulder. And we sit there quietly.

I know I’ll start crying again if I look at Aunty’s face. It’s much more easy to keep my head low and stare at the floor.

Now and then, my cousins keep on barging in. They want me to join them to play outside.  But all my energy’s gone.

I wipe my tears and sit without saying a word. They are confused. And stand beside me wondering what is preventing me from going out to play. But I’d rather look at the floor than anyone’s face.

So Aunty tells them to go play outside and leave me alone for a bit.

My head is beginning to throb. I hate crying. And I don’t like others to see me crying. But life is so unfair. And my tears are not in my control.

Cannot God see that we are barely surviving from the pain of losing Mummy?  Are we not gradually adapting to the new reality of a world without Mummy?

Sitting here, though my eyes are blurred, I can see things clearly now.

Mummy had told me this would happen. She had told me that she was going to die soon and that Daddy would marry again. And I had promised her that I would be a good son to my new Mummy.

Pushing back those words from my memory is my fault. I have always known that Mummy never said anything she didn’t mean. And she had prepared me for what lay ahead.

I had wiped off those memories like they were just a bad dream. But now, they zoom back to stare me in the face. This is reality. And I must face it like Mummy explained.

Yes, Mummy. I won’t let you down.

I can see Mummy’s face smiling confidently at me. And I know I must be strong and brave as she had said.

I finally calm my mind, and I smile at Aunty to show her I’m okay with the idea.

By then, my cousins come back again. So I tell Aunty and go out to play.

Later in the evening, we leave for Ernakulam. And throughout the trip, Daddy remains quiet and lost in thought.  So I spend my time showing Granny all the places on the familiar roads.

The next weekend, we’re back in Kottayam. And Daddy calls me aside and says we’re going to meet someone in town later. I wonder who it could be because we don’t usually do any house visits after Mummy left us.

But I’ll go anywhere Daddy wants me to.

As we enter the compound, I feel nervous. Whose house is this? Who are we meeting? Why is Daddy making it a surprise?

We park the car, and a man is waiting for us on the porch. We go in and get seated. And a lady brings us refreshments. Everyone is nice, but I don’t know any of them. So I focus on all the interesting stuff in the plates while Daddy talks.

After a while, another lady comes in. She smiles too, as friendly as everyone else. And she joins the conversation.

In a short while, the man suggests they go to another room, leaving the new lady with me. 

All this while, while cleaning up the snacks on my plate, I’ve been fascinated by this wonderful thing on a table at the other end of the room. I’m sure it’s a music player but with super big tape spools. And it’s different from what I’ve ever seen before. 

The new lady notices my interest and we walk over to it. I’m amazed by the spools the switches and the buttons. And while I imagine how it would work, she asks if I know who she is. 

Of course, I don’t know her. But her face does seem a bit familiar. But before I can say anything, she tells me she’s going to marry Daddy and be my new Mummy.

I feel awkward and don’t know where to look.

I keep smiling, but I’m confused. The new lady keeps talking, but I can’t pay attention. I just want to know where Daddy and everyone else are.

So is this the lady Mummy meant? Have I met her before? It’s all so confusing, and I don’t know how to react. I keep politely smiling as she talks a bit more.

Finally, Daddy and the others come back, and it’s time to leave. Soon we get in the car and wave goodbye.

Daddy is again back in thought and I  am enjoying the pleasant breeze as we pass by Thazhathangadi river.

And suddenly I am reminded of what Pappachan-chettan, our boatman told me when I first travelled on our country boat – “Always sit safely away from the boat’s edge. You never know when your boat can get rocked.”